Window to the Soul

The saying "eyes are the window to the soul" is so very true.  I believe you can see so much through a person's eyes.  My husband's eyes tell me so much.  I can see the "sparkle" in his eyes occasionally.  When I see that, it is so heartwarming.  I can also see his pain through his eyes.  I know his spirit and soul are OK because I can see that through his eyes.  Since he cannot communicate because of his brain injury, there are times when he reacts so appropriately to things around him.  Our 3 year old grandson was misbehaving the other day and my husband got upset and told him that "you are being a bad boy".   My heart leaps for joy when this happens (and it is very rare and sometimes months before this happens) and it gives me a certain peace that his soul and spirit are intact and well.

My wish for today

If I could have one wish today it would not be for money, fame, or material things.  It would be for one day to spend with my husband as he was before his injury.  To tell him about all the things that have happened in the last 12 years that he has missed.  The birth of four grandchildren, the death of his younger sister to pancreatic cancer, the death of his father at 94 years of age.  Of course the deaths in our family would be very sad for him, the birth of the grandchildren would make him happy.  I would tell him about the move to a new house that would ease my workload from caring for a house that was too big for the two of us, and was becoming expensive to maintain.  He would scold me for not managing our money too well, he was always the manager and I know things would be different if this had not happened to him.  I would tell him about the long road he has taken to recovery from his cardiac arrest and resulting brain damage, including learning to walk again.  I would tell him about how hard it has been to watch his day-to-day struggle to understand what is going on around him.  I would tell him about the funny things he says that make no sense, but I go along with them just to get him to talk.

If only I could have just one day to spend with him as he was.  That would be worth a so much to me.

What Others Think

I was just remembering a trip we took to Jamaica in 2000.  Our daughter was getting married in Jamaica and the whole family made the trip to see the wedding on the beach.

When we arrived in Jamaica, we had to go through customs.  My husband gets very anxious when he doesn't know where he is and when a lot of people are around him.  He begins to moan and all you can do is try to comfort him.  I was holding his hand and had my arms around him and was trying to calm him down.  In the next line was an older couple.  The husband came over to us and said to us "you two should get a room".  At first I was dumbfounded that a person would do this.  After I regained my composure, our daughter watched over her Dad while I went over to the man.  I was so furious I could hardly contain my anger but I told him in no uncertain terms that what he did was very rude and explained to him that my husband had a brain injury and all I was trying to do was to keep him calm.  His face turned red and he turned his back on me. 

It is hard to go out in public because people stare at my husband's behavior and I have gotten to the point that we don't go out in public anymore.  It is hard on him and it is doubly hard on me.  I must say though, that there are a lot of wonderful, understanding people and most of the time they assume that he has suffered a stroke.  I haven't lost faith in people, I have just learned that there are some people who don't understand and I usually can tell and I stay away from people like that.

Our Adventure with the Tub

We are fortunate to have a jetted bathtub.  I enjoy it because it relaxes me and on cold days it warms me.  Not to mention the feeling of the jets on my sore back.  I decided one day that my husband may benefit from the jets and the soothing effect it always brings me.  I managed to get him into the tub, turned the wam water on and started the jets.  The look in his eyes told me that he was enjoying the experience.  It is not equipped for a person that has a disability (in my husband's case, the cognitive ability to lift himself out of the tub).  When it came time to get him out, I found myself in a great delima.  I could'nt get him to understand how to get out of the tub.  All my efforts in coaxing him to put his legs over the tub and try to stand up were futile.  I really got into a panic and didn't know how I was going to get him out of that tub.  Fortunately for us, my son doesn't live too far away and in my panic I called him and told him I could not get Dad out of the tub.  He jumped into his car and when he got here he put his arms around my husband and pulled him out of the tub to his feet.  Needless to say, he hasn't been in that tub again.

I have found tubs that have doors on them and seats, but the expense is beyond our means, so until we can afford to install a tub he can get into and out of, he won't be able to use the tub. 

Since he has no abiltiy to understand things due to his brain injury, I have found over the years that I can actually see in his eyes when he is in pain or is having a problem of some kind.  The trick is to try to figure out what the problem is. 

Care Giver to Brain-Injured Loved One: Valentine's Day

Care Giver to Brain-Injured Loved One: Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day

As with many of the holidays, this is one of the hardest of all for me.  I recall a few years before my husband's brain injury, I was working and was leaving my office for lunch.  I noticed my husband in his work truck in front of my building looking intently at the building.  I honked and we pulled over to the side of the street and agreed to go to lunch together.  Later in the day a dozen roses were delivered to my work address.  I realized with a chuckle that what my husband was doing in front of my workplace was checking out the address so he could have the roses delivered there.  This is one of the great memories I have and I chuckle at it every time I think about it, which is usually on valentine's day.    Happy Valentines Day to all the bloggers out there, hope it is memorable one for all of you.

Day to Day

Yesterday was a good day for my husband. He seemed more aware than he usually is. He was laughing with our grandson, Conell, and seemed as though he understood what was gong on. It is hard day to day knowing what he is aware of. It is on those days when I feel as though hope is still there after 12 years of caring for him. There are days when I have not much hope, then something happens and my hope is renewed.